The pursuit of happiness has discolored our view of what is important and what is not. Our priorities are not aligned. There are never aligned. Our priorities only become clear when faced with life and death situations or extremely difficult situations. The confusion about what is really important disappears and it is quite clear what you value. I guess that is what is happening to me at this time.
I can be very vain and I love to complain. The latter makes my work as an activist easier but is still one of my vices. It has been interesting to see how this has changed for me now that I am unwell. Interestingly, it has even become difficult for me to complain especially about being unwell. I find that I cannot voice out clearly what I feel or even want because what I truly want is to be not sick. What I want is for my body to stop failing me but we don’t always get what we want.
Chemotherapy is one of the most fucked up ideas that I have encountered. Half the time you are not feeling well and complaining about this gets exhausting even for a professional complainer like me. You complain when you think that there is a solution for the problem that you are facing. Half the time when you are in pain or throwing up,there is really nothing to do. There are no easy answers, in fact there are no answers and there is no solution. That, is the problem right there. We have been tuned to fix problems as human beings that is why we have advanced as we have. When we cannot fix problems we lose hope, we are confused. We are like fish outside water. This is what happens when family members don’t know how to fix your problems. You can see how they are struggling to find the right words to say. They are practically begging you to just tell them what will make it all disappear. I swear, this is one of the most painful things to watch. I will take chemotherapy any day but not this.
The truth is there are no right words to say when I am in pain. There is nothing to do.There are no solutions to find. You can just be there. Be there and understand that somehow your presence is enough. Be there and know that somehow the silence is fine. Be there and know that, being there is what reminds me that there is still hope and there is still life. It is not easy to sit still and do nothing when someone you love is in pain, yet when you have no strength to solve their problem, there lies your strength.